Lisa: How long ago did the series end?
Me: Before we were born, feels like. This story really isn’t very compelling, is it?
Lisa: No, it’s not.
Lisa: Wait, they’re supposed to be living together?
Lisa: I don’t buy them as a couple anymore. They don’t talk like a couple.
Me: No, they don’t. On the other hand, I’m beginning to wonder whether David Duchovny and Amanda Peet had an affair during the filming.
Lisa: There does seem to be some sparkage there.
Lisa: “Our son William?” They had a son? Was that in the series?
Me: I don’t remember. It was before I was born.
Me: Man, this is like a bad “monster of the week” episode.
Lisa: They killed Amanda Peet! Why did they do that?
Me: Vasquez must die.*
Lisa: He’s going in alone, with no cell phone and no weapon?
Me: Yeah, and of course he’s going to get caught by the bad guys, but don’t worry, Scully and Skinner will show up in the nick of time and save him.
Lisa: How are they going to find him?
Me: That’s just a detail.
Lisa: So wait, they’re going to put that guy’s head on a woman’s body?
Me: A really bad “monster of the week” episode.
Me: Yeah, that’s smart, chop up the corpse first, rather than the semi-conscious FBI agent… I predict Scully and Skinner will arrive just as the guy is raising his ax to kill Mulder… Yep.
Lisa: Instead of wrapping Mulder in a coat to keep him warm, shouldn’t they just move him indoors?
Me: You’re thinking too hard.
Lisa: Wow, that was really disappointing. Chris Carter, what happened to you?
Me: Yeah, it is pretty sad.
Lisa: You wait all these years to make another X-Files movie, and this is what you come up with?
Lisa: Maybe we should rewatch some of the early series episodes.
Me: Or not.
* [N.B. A reference to the Vasquez Always Dies TV trope, which states that “If two Action Girls are featured in the same film, invariably the tougher, more competent, more aggressive and less feminine character will die.” Upon reflection, this is actually not a good example of the trope, because Amanda Peet is, by Hollywood standards, more of a girly girl than Scully, and she demonstrates her incompetence by (a) getting separated from Mulder and (b) broadcasting her location to the bad guy they’re chasing by repeatedly shouting “Mulder! Where are you!” Since she still manages to be likable I’ll call her a Friendly Target instead.]